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12 February 2019 @ 02:53 pm
I don't give a shit if everything's written righty~ so beware: a lot of mistakes. I don't care.
Triggerwarning. Just saying.

I'm sitting in my living room thinking about all those things I've never told anyone. Maybe because I was afraid telling the truth and hurting someone I hold dear or because there was no time left. Like with my mom when she layed on her deathbed, breathing her last breaths and went somewhere I didn't want to follow yet.

I thought about it, often. After she died, everything went by so fast and slow at the same time. Planning the funeral wasn't easy, but it kept me running. It kept me from thinking the thoughts I had most of the days after christmas and when I started working again. All those fake faces at work and around me, saying they were sorry but no one could grasp the feelings I had. Or have. Time flew by, fast. A year went by and now I am sitting in front of my computer in my living room, a photo of my smiling mother in front of my window. And I can't remember the last time I saw her healthy. I tried, but every time I think about her it's her sick, pale face. With the eyes that couldn't remember me. Sometimes she recognized me, only me - maybe that's why all of my sisters and brothers said horrible things to me when she died. Like "You will regret not visiting her as often. She said that herself. That you'll regret it." I blamed myself a lot and I am doing it now - because I was afraid of letting her go, though I told her when she was dying it was okay to go - to let the pain go and everything ever done to her. She never told me much about her life but I knew that she had a really horrible first marriage and her second one wasn't better. Abuse can be physical and psychological. She always told me I should never do something I didn't want and speak up for myself. But that day I couldn't say anything except that it was okay. I did it because I wanted to think it was okay that she's going to leave me behind with a mess I wasn't able to handle - my family and my life. My mother was always an anchor. She was my best friend, my mentor, my mother and a safe haven I knew I could turn to when things went off too far. She knew me best, even better than myself. Seeing her degenerating and dying, was the worst thing in my life. I wished, really, I didn't feel the need to visit her. I somewhat knew what was going to happen and I went. I didn't want her to die alone, because I thought that was even worse. But what was worse for me was how my family acted, how I was left alone. My boyfriend and his family did everything they could, but it wasn't the same. I have huge trust issues - my mother was the only one who I trusted blindly because she loved me how I was 100%. Since than I am struggling to keep myself up and going. To not be a burden or the one who is constantly down and gloomy. I could cry at least ones a week. Because she left a big whole in my heart which cannot be filled. It's tearing me apart and sometimes it's so strong I don't wanna go forward anymore or think about the future. What is the point anyway? At some point I think she wanted me to live my life happily, explore things and stay positive, but I just can't. When it comes to my future, for example thinking about getting myself a freehold flat I get sick. If someone asks me where I see myself in ten years I suddenly get afraid of my own thoughts. But I can't tell. Anyone. Because I am afraid. I often don't know what I want, either. I know that I can't keep myself going all the time. I fall and I am able to get up again. But I really don't know how long I will be able to get one foot before the other. It's like I have caged myself, my thoughts and my feelings in a big black box inside me, running on autopilot. As long as I don't do certain things I will be okay. The box is fragile and gets a lot of cuts, but everything I felt back than and now is cooped up in it.

That's why I can't talk about it. That's why I don't want help. I know when I try to live on with everything - my lost anchor and my lost family - my roots so to speak - I will fall apart and I don't know if I am able to keep going after that.

I don't cry often. When my mother died I cried last. I didn't cry for almost over a year. There were good days and bad days. But it wasn't as bad as today for a year. I know crying makes you feel better. I couldn't. I was and I am afraid of letting those feelings and thoughts out. It will hurt a lot of people, including me. It makes me vulnerable. No one wants a wrack as a friend or girlfriend. And no one can help as much as my mother could have. She was smart, in every kind of way. She knew when I had gotten worse. When no one else noticed, she knew. Even when we wrote via whatsapp. I didn't need to explain or lie. She just took me in, how I was.

And I am tired of explaining. I am tired to tell everyone what it feels like to lose someone so important. Becauce only few can relate. I always said it was good - that they didn't need to experience this loss. But in my head was just jealousy and anger. Why me? Why her? Why did everyone of my family left me behind? It was easy to say "I couldn't do shit about it. It's just family, you don't need them." But yes, I needed them. When I needed them the most, no one was there to hold me, like you do when your sister is hurt. Or your child. I didn't want to burden others with it - those who couldn't understand what it's like. One thing I learned in this year after my mothers death: you are alone. Especially when your mourning.

I needed to keep my head up and my feet walking. Because that's what everyone wants - they don't want someone gloomy, sad or mourning. "A year has passed"... I know that, too. It's obvious. I know it gets better. But I feel worse. Every day I need to smile and pretend to be fine. Every time I meet the mothers of others I feel this anger, I think those thoughts. I get sick of myself. I am glad I know when it gets too much like today. I couldn't bear to go to work, knowing I will cry my eyes out soon enough. So I got the idea to write some of my thoughts down - so I did. I'm not feeling better. But those thoughts are off my chest. I guess it's easier to breathe now.

And I never thought it would be easier to write those things in english than in my "mother tongue".

20 October 2013 @ 06:42 pm

thor2_4 pascificrim1 pascificrim3
sherlock thehobbit4 sherlock5

.movies; thor, the hobbit, pascific rim, celebreties: cumberbatch only.
please DO NOT HOTLINK! credits aren't necessary.

the moviesCollapse )


cumberlovin'Collapse )

.psd files

PSD FilesCollapse )

Current Mood: artisticartistic
Current Music: Linkin Park - In The End
13 August 2013 @ 01:50 pm
Download link can be found @mydeviantart-acc.

After a long time I finally managed to do some textures again. I finished them a few months ago but forgot to post them at my livejournal. So, here you go, more will follow soon.

You don't have to credit :)